Friday, March 9, 2012

Pressure We Put on Our Kids

Recently I've begun to understand pressure that I've put on Holly without even realizing it. I think most of us moms are impressed with the courage with which our children face their many challenges. And, I don't know about anyone's kids but mine, but she rarely seems to complain.

Instead of encouraging her, my comments to her along those lines, as well as those of other people, have made her feel that that is what is expected of her. I think I've made her feel that I won't accept anything less than a brave face and an uncomplaining spirit. I've put unreasonable expectations on her, especially now that she's dealing with a second brain tumor in addition to CF.

Sometimes she hurts. Sometimes she's angry. Sometimes she's discouraged. Sometimes she's tired. Sometimes she needs a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes she needs to be left alone. And it's all OK.

I don't need her to be any different than what she is at any given time. I think it's imperative that we let our kids, even if they're adult kids, know that we're no less proud of them when they are in a bad mood than we are when they're in a good mood. They've been given major challenges that they deal with every day. Pills; treatments one, two, three, sometimes even four times a day. Their lives are scheduled around CF. It gets old even when life is "normal," and then come the lung infections, difficulties breathing, transplants, brain tumors.

When these unexpected situations hit, none of us knows what to think, how to feel, what to do. Yes, we absolutely need to be able to have our feelings about these situations and to express those feelings. But we also need to be aware that our children, small or grown, watch our reactions and take cues from us. If we fall apart, they know they have to be strong for us to keep us from getting even more upset. Or they learn hysterics are the right reaction. But if we're stoic and show no feelings, they think no feelings are allowed. And it doesn't help if, when they cry or get angry, we say, "Oh no, don't cry. It's going to be OK." Right then, it doesn't feel like it's going to be OK. We probably don't feel like everything's going to be OK. So why do we expect our kids to feel that? We say it because we are not comfortable with their pain, their fear or their anger. They're our children, after all. We love them more than life itself. We would gladly trade places with them. But our discomfort with their feelings tells them those feelings are not OK, so no matter how they feel, they pretend to be fine.

Sometime our kids need us to give them permission. As their parents, part of our job is to teach them what is and isn't appropriate. That includes teaching them to control their feelings. If they're angry with a friend, they can't just go punch the other kid. That makes dealing with feelings associated with CF  particularly tricky. We need to give them permission to have their feelings even if they're so-called negative feelings. If it sounds confusing and a bit impossible, well that's because it is confusing and, though it's not impossible, it sure isn't easy! We have to demonstrate our own appropriate feelings to them, and we have to let them know their own feelings are OK. We need to tell them we understand their anger, and we share their sadness, disappointment and fear. Our feelings regarding our children and their health will always be complicated and must be handled with thoughtful sensitivity.