Listening

As adults, we like schedules. We get up at the same time every day, eat at the same time, go to work or school at the same time, and we expect our children to live on our schedules. And, to a certain extent, that's reasonable and necessary.

However, when it comes to talking and sharing about what's on their hearts and minds, kids, whether or not they have CF, work on their own timetables, and, frequently they don't jibe with ours. Just about the time we're settling down to crawl into bed, they decide to open up. Though it's tempting to put them off until toothpicks aren't a necessary accoutrement to keep our eyes open, with kids, we have to listen when they're ready to talk. If we don't seize those opportunities, we lose them. They cannot and will not be vulnerable on our timetables.

Holly and I had a lot of 2 a.m. chat sessions sitting on her bed, sometimes high in the air in her loft. These were rare and precious times when she granted me access into her very private world of hopes, dreams and fears. These were the times she voiced the concerns that I had no idea she carried.

When we're entrusted with the gift of our children's open hearts, we must tread carefully. We must take their thoughts, feelings and fears seriously. At times, that means we sit quietly as we let it all sink in and weigh our answers thoughtfully and carefully. It's critical that our children know, without a doubt, that they have been heard and are being taken seriously.

Sometimes the feelings and thoughts they express will surprise or shock or even hurt us. I remember biting the inside of my cheek to keep from bursting into tears when, as a young teenager, Holly shared that she thought she probably shouldn't consider becoming a mother when she grew up. A friend of ours had recently died, and his death affected her deeply. She also observed and felt keenly the pain his high school and college-age children experienced. Holly said that, knowing she might not live to share the experiences of graduation, marriage and the birth of her children's children, she didn't think it was fair to them to bring them into the world only to "abandon" them too soon. As I bit my cheek and blinked back tears, I prayed for wisdom of how to answer this honest, realistic question. Finally, I told her that I believed with every fiber of my being that she was such a precious gift to those she touched that any child would be privileged to call her mom for as long as they had her, and that she should not deprive them of that. I explained that whatever time she shared with them, she would leave her imprint on them, and they would be better for it. Thank God for His insight on that one.

As it has turned out, she is now 33 and has a 10-year-old daughter who adores her mama, and her mama adores her right back. How deprived they both would have been had she chosen not to have a child.

There were many other discussions. Some were not quite so heavy and future-focused. There were the typical teenage angst talks, as well as those that dealt primarily with CF.

The point is that, as parents, we must be prepared, and we must be focused on the needs of our children ahead of our own needs for sleep. Along my journey as a parent, I have been fortunate to learn from people wiser and more experienced than myself. They have passed on valuable tips on communication with children that are especially appropriate during those intense times of sharing. These tips help us let our children know they have our attention and are our priority at that moment. It's not just important that we give our attention, they must know and believe they have our attention. How do we prove that?

1. Look them in the eye, and when they look back, don't look away, especially when they are the ones doing the talking.
2. Don't interrupt! Hear them out, even if you disagree with what they're saying.
3. Don't discount their thoughts and feelings. They're real and important to them, no matter how they may seem to us.
4. Do ask questions to show your interest and to get clarification.
5. Do take time to consider what they've said to show that you value and give importance to the information.
6. If you don't have the answers, be brave and honest enough to tell them. Or say, "I need some time to think about that. I don't have an answer right now. I'll get back to you." Then do it. Do NOT let it drop. They'll respect your honesty whether you have an answer or not. Believe it or not, they figure out sooner than we think that we don't have all the answers. They just choose to love us anyway.
7. Tell the truth, even it it's tough to say and tough for them to hear. They'll spot a lie before it gets past your lips. Children are intuitive creatures. They know us much better than we realize, and they will catch us in a lie, even if we think it's for their benefit. Once we've lied, we've lost their trust and may never get it back. (That's a topic for another post.) Just tell them what they need to know, taking their age and level of understanding into consideration.

Give your child(ren) the time and attention they need, when they need it, you'll not regret it. You'll catch up on your sleep, but you can never get back the opportunity to connect with your children if you miss it.